The name is fitting, not only for representing its content well, but it's also how it came together----in pieces over the course of another 3 years.
Amazing how time flies, and a year isn't really all that long at all.
Life, the unsolvable puzzle
The harder I try to fit in
The farther I push the other pieces away
My definition of "insanity" is when you HAVE tried everything
But it all stays the same---all hope is always lost
and nothing's ever gained
Looking at the phone won't make it ring
Desperately longing for them to care
does not change anything
But I take comfort in a couple of things:
That I won't be here forever,
and that all that matters is nothing.
I can't believe how bad it hurt
How bad that it still hurts
That sanguine little girl once so full of longing
Could no longer bear it
She gave up her ghost inside
and left it homeless, wandering
Sleepless...I lie back and wonder how
How will it ever be found again?
I've forgotten what it feels like
To be truly happy
And not just "playing the part"
For others around me
Have you ever found something so beautiful
That it made you want to cry
but it was so very fragile
you couldn't touch it or it'd die?
The weight of empty.....crushing load of inner vacancy
I can't remember how it felt when my soul wasn't heavy
But at least I know that it once again could fly
if I could finally take you with me
Vestigial emotions...for YEARS I was convinced
they should never have been there
I told myself that I didn't care....
'Till all was left on my face was a blank, empty stare
What will it take to get through, 'till I reach you?
Would it take more than everything I am?
If it does, I don't care.
I have to escape this vacuum...
....this whole entire shell...
...this living, writhing, screaming HELL.
Only allowed to feel enough joy
To realize the strength of the misery
Why is my story still being written?
In frantic despair I'll keep turning the pages.
if all our dreams came true
why would we ever need to wake up
I will find you
I no longer have a choice.
After all the sorrow....after half my life I know
I can't help myself....I will never stop
Until I do......
I'm coming for you
I know what it looks like
when you smile
And I have never seen anything
That is more beautiful
Looking back, after all
at the girl, now a woman
She always knew what she wanted
and now she wouldn't trade the tears
For all the bliss on this desert earth
I can never again forget you
You are once more all I desire
And only death will keep me
From my place at your side.
(c) STEF L SCHULTZ
wrap my mind
Where would I
what I've known?
No life left
all used up
all worn down
How it is,
how it was,
is how it will
If I could see
what it would
have been like
to find you....
I'd have traded every wish,
and said they all came true....
Please heart quick
please, please heal
don't let me
In the end
what he was
this whole time...........
Just a dream
Just my prayer
Just not mine.
Listen to how freakin' young my voice sounds in this one......that was 4-5 fewer cases of bronchitis ago.
And I wasn't drinking then either. >sigh<
I never released this officially when I first came out with it in 2013, because I consider it a rough draft.
Not sure when I'll EVER get around to re-recording it, but the song is as true to me know as it was years
ago when I first came up with it. It's near and dear to my heart.....enjoy.
(c) 2014 STEF L SCHULTZ
Sometimes I want relief .....but when I try to weep
Well of my soul is dry ......the tears don’t ever come....
How long can the shallow smile hide
The deep dark depths within
How much more conflict can I take
and not give in
How far do I need to go to find the end
How hard do I need to try
each time to try again
Reality.....my worst enemy
I will fight you
I will conquer you
'Till the end of me
'Till I feel nothing
Something's broken, and will not be fixed
Something's lost that will not be missed
I've become hand-shy, and stone cold to the touch
Afraid to care because I might care too much.....
Reality....my worst enemy
I must fight you, To make sense of you
I'll keep suffering
If it means I feel something
I have to have my will, my way
We can't get everything that we want or even need
I'll still live my life like there's some great thing coming
You're just a dead dream walking
There is a place
I go to grieve
But it’s not in this world
so I can’t take you with me
And when I leave
I find myself
in the middle
of a garden
Teeming with sad silly little hopes
The sagging gate left slightly open
Shoddy ‘welcome’ sign has rotted
Cracked concrete benches garbed in lichen
Algae seizing up the fountain
Save for a foreboding canopy of trees
All that grows here are thorns and weeds
They’re sprawling up over everything
But somehow this place isn’t all that depressing
I suppose what makes it so charming
Is the fact that the silence says more than anything
I can’t figure out if it’s just hiding something
Or if it’s a warning
Or if it’s merely a dream
Dirt is forced up underneath my nails
As I scrape down through the layers
Having passed the cold and rocky soil
It begins to feel a little warmer
Could something else ever grow here...
or are those bright days over?
Despite the dark, parched, deep denial
The garden, my soul, longs for revival.....
There is a place
I go to think
But it’s outside of this world
and you can’t follow me....
I’m trying to access a place
That no one else can find
Trying to return to a familiar place
No one can find my way
I’m trying to attain a height so high.....
that the only one who can fall.....
© 2010 by Stef L Schultz
I can’t get any closer
So I have to run away
Far better to be missed
Than to ever over-stay
every little thing
I have to diversify
Yet I have to simplify....
I must leave the hive---
---or never, ever touch the sky.
Adapt to survive
Do or die
I’ll never know why,
but this happens every time....
Wherever I lay my head
could become my bed
as long as I'm willing
to lie there unable to sleep
Wherever I go
can be my home
Surviving through every oasis of peace
in this desert of sorrow
[[Living in-between each moment....
disappearing by tomorrow]]
I can't stay in one place for too long
can't get too attached to anyone
or the surface breaks, the illusion is lost
and the cycle repeats itself.
The mask is cracking....
The roots are rotting....
The blood is pooling.....
The darkness is shining through
Because I’m a ghost.
I don’t expect you to understand.
That's all I ever was;
and it's all I ever am.
© Stef L Schultz